Our kitchen is staffed with tons of free snacks here at [REDACTED] Company. Tons of granola bars, Oreos, and assorted chips. I’m not complaining. Believe you me, I love having access to Baked Lays and Pop Tarts at the ready.

However, apparently one of my colleagues has a slightly smaller appetite and just couldn’t possibly finish his or her snacks. Now, I realize there are starving people all over the globe, and I’m not making light of that, but I’m pretty sure nobody here at [REDACTED] wants to eat your freaking leftover FREE snacks. You aren’t healing the world, or doing anyone a favor, you filthy, dirty, disgusting slob. If you want to make a change, do some volunteer work. Or, better yet, I suggest you jump off the 24^th floor roof.

See, I really am a people person.  

I'm fine

At the end of each call we are "required" to transfer every customer to a two-question automated survey. I put required in quotes because we are indeed supposed to do this, but quite frankly I can't be bothered half the time.

Anyway, I just spoke with Elizabeth Cook. She lives somewhere in Maryland. She had ordered a recliner and naturally there were problems with shipping. I won't bore you with the details, mostly because I don't even remember.

But, when I asked if she would like to take the survey all she said was, "Okay. The company is terrible and you are fine."

High praise indeed. Thanks Elizabeth!

Mary J. Blige, "Just Fine."

Rabbit Hole Commence

Here's another one:

Enhance the look of your room interiors with this metal bench. The brown colored finish of the metallic base further enhances its beauty. It is further attached with soft and cushiony fabric on top of the metallic base. The luxurious fabric ensures better comfort that makes it ideal to sit on the bench for hours together. The sturdy construction provides better durability and stability. It is ideal to use in your living room. It can also be placed in you outdoor areas like the patio or porch. Get to together with friends and family on this bench.

A Gist of Comfort

One of the only things I like about my job- and it's not even remotely part of my role here- is reading the REALLY interesting copy that certain vendors provide for the website. Here is a goodie:

Make your patio a cozy point by adding this wooden foyer bench with the furniture arrangement. Its versatility ensures it to be fashioned indoors as well as outdoors, as the innovative approach allows you. Designed in Indonesia, the artisans have taken a special care with the looks of this foyer bench that includes three drawers and three compartments for expanding your storage. It can also blend in with your minimalist home decor to give it a gist of comfort. It is space efficient and can be stowed in any spare corner to acquire the space with an artistic yet useful approach. The living area and bedrooms can also draw texture from this bench when experimented in different corners.

 

Thank god I have funny friends.

I just got off the phone with a nice elderly lady from Wisconsin. She had ordered a decorative angel statue.

Sadly, it arrived missing a toe, and this was simply not going to work for Sandra. "I'm just one of those more perfectionist type people. I love the angel, but there's just no way I can look at that oddball toe."


I went ahead and ordered her a replacement. I was going to send her a confirmation email, but this was her response: "I can't give you my email. I don't know what it is and my guy is not here." Not sure who her "guy" is, but she got a nice chuckle out of me.


Sandra couldn't have been any nicer. I hope her next angel arrives with all toes intact. God-willing.

My view at work. Not bad at all. Figured I should share this now before I come across as a total misanthrope (which, well, I am).


I get to gaze out at the Christian Science Center plaza while my manager walks around giving his team fist bumps. "Great transfer!" he yelps. If you know me, there are only two things I might fist-bump over: middle-aged character actresses and Potbelly Wreck sandwiches.

I’m going to start this off with a clear disclaimer: I am not a victim. I took this job knowing how completely and utterly wrong it was for me. This is entirely my fault; please, no pity for me.

 But, here is my story…

 

 

I’m calling this blog Dead Man Walking 2014 because every morning I walk into the office assuming it’s my last. Now, mind you, my company (which will remain nameless) is not undergoing massive layoffs. Quite the contrary; they are hiring people every day and they plan to go public in a year or so. They are doing gangbuster business, or so they claim, and it’s a company that seems to be thriving.

 

So, why do I expect every day to be my last? Well, the reason is painfully simple:  I’m profoundly bad at my job. I’m hoping most of you have not been in this predicament. Hopefully you have jobs in which you excel, or at least mentally challenge you. Hopefully you leave your place of employment feeling you gained something that day, either intellectually or socially. Hopefully you don’t spend eight hours every day staring out the window wondering, “This is my life? Why? How?”

 

Now, I’m not suggesting my experience is singular or unusual.  A lot of people hate their jobs, sadly probably most. But I don’t know if they arrive every day thinking it’s their last, wondering when HR is going to tap on their shoulder, or send them a cold email.

 

I work in customer service for an online retailer. I take about 50 phone calls a day from people all over the US and Canada. I try to listen to their problems – their damaged products, their missing nuts and bolts, their lost shipments – but the whole time I’m thinking, “I don’t care. I don’t care. I really don’t care.” And that’s why I’m so bad in this role. It requires someone with even the smallest semblance of empathy, and that I just cannot muster.

 

Now, again, I’m not a victim. I could just quit. And I should. But I have a tax bill to pay off, and credit card debt, and, well, the benefits aren’t terrible here at all. So, while I figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life I will attempt to stomach this day-in-day-out office misery. It’s now a terrible game of chess. Who will make the first move? Will they fire me before I fire them?

 

And in the interim I will share with you some of my experiences – the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are bound to be a zillion of them.