I’m going to start this off with a clear disclaimer: I am not a victim. I took this job knowing how completely and utterly wrong it was for me. This is entirely my fault; please, no pity for me.

 But, here is my story…

 

 

I’m calling this blog Dead Man Walking 2014 because every morning I walk into the office assuming it’s my last. Now, mind you, my company (which will remain nameless) is not undergoing massive layoffs. Quite the contrary; they are hiring people every day and they plan to go public in a year or so. They are doing gangbuster business, or so they claim, and it’s a company that seems to be thriving.

 

So, why do I expect every day to be my last? Well, the reason is painfully simple:  I’m profoundly bad at my job. I’m hoping most of you have not been in this predicament. Hopefully you have jobs in which you excel, or at least mentally challenge you. Hopefully you leave your place of employment feeling you gained something that day, either intellectually or socially. Hopefully you don’t spend eight hours every day staring out the window wondering, “This is my life? Why? How?”

 

Now, I’m not suggesting my experience is singular or unusual.  A lot of people hate their jobs, sadly probably most. But I don’t know if they arrive every day thinking it’s their last, wondering when HR is going to tap on their shoulder, or send them a cold email.

 

I work in customer service for an online retailer. I take about 50 phone calls a day from people all over the US and Canada. I try to listen to their problems – their damaged products, their missing nuts and bolts, their lost shipments – but the whole time I’m thinking, “I don’t care. I don’t care. I really don’t care.” And that’s why I’m so bad in this role. It requires someone with even the smallest semblance of empathy, and that I just cannot muster.

 

Now, again, I’m not a victim. I could just quit. And I should. But I have a tax bill to pay off, and credit card debt, and, well, the benefits aren’t terrible here at all. So, while I figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life I will attempt to stomach this day-in-day-out office misery. It’s now a terrible game of chess. Who will make the first move? Will they fire me before I fire them?

 

And in the interim I will share with you some of my experiences – the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are bound to be a zillion of them.